throwbacks...and it went a lil something like this

HIM: hey

ME: hey

HIM: hows it going tosh

ME: fine

HIM: yeah me too
HIM: sup with stat messages?

ME: ?

HIM: lol i read them sometimes
HIM: and sometimes i wanna ask
HIM: but i dont
HIM: scared

ME: then I have no idea which ones ur talking about

HIM: ok ok
HIM: so one of these days ima jus hit u up

HIM: but how you been seriously?

HIM: like what you been up to

ME: fine bout to eat tho brb

HIM: ok i will be here
HIM: waiting

ME: back

HIM: :-)
HIM: good lunch?

ME: dinner

HIM: dinner

ME: yup

HIM: well thats cool i guess,

ME: it is 830

HIM: well i guess i speak to you some other time.

ME: ok

HIM: yeah i no
HIM: how do you feel about me?

ME: i don't kno

ME: its wierd. I feel wierd

ME: i don't know why

HIM: yeah
HIM: me too.

ME: i guess cuz I liked u but u cud never bring urself to trust me

HIM: yeah

ME: why do you still talk to me. how do you feel about me?

HIM: aww man, are you really gonna ask
HIM: ...

ME: yea

HIM: i still think you're one of the dopest chicks i ever met
HIM: if not, then the dopest

ME: why?

HIM: what? i always thought that

ME: but why?

HIM: wtf?
HIM: because you are.
HIM: like
HIM: you look at life at a cool perspective
HIM: much different from alotta chicks
HIM: and you had a cool persona

ME: lol ok

it was weird. as it always is.
but he still hits me up every now and again.
i appreciate it because i get lonely sometimes.
need my worth to be reiterated sometimes.
and he does that...........................................................................genuinely.
i hope.

in a place of solitude right now.

in a place of contemplation right now.

reflection.

and it feels good.
to know.
someone/he
cares.

I wish my honesty box was my person....

So I'm being pulled back into solidarity and reflection...contemplation...growth. I feel like divine order creates this space and time for us when we most need it. I recently updated my Fbook profile and I added the honesty box back to it...updated the question just to see what people would say. An anonymous female told me I was a beautiful and amazing person. An anonymous male said he wants, no he needs me to stop being so promiscuous. My life is worth more than that.....

so here i am. back to my solitude, growth, and reflection while Drake's "successful" plays into my ears. just got back to Np from watching my bestie and other friends perform at the 11th annual udubb finals at the world famous apollo. the 1 minute rounds really touched me. i didnt feel the energy like i used to. i think i closed my eyes to my light. funny because in order to see it i close my eyes....my inner eye is closed. im falling under. my purple used to be so bright. im losing grip on it.

and i know. i know hun that my life is worth more than my promiscuity...or what i keep putting forth. i've had to deal with the issue of promiscuity my entire life. my entire, entire life. from entertaining lesbian experiences at 5 to being molested for two years to having low self esteem about my body to finally feeling attractive and sexy to searching for love in the opposite and same sex....honey i have had to deal with promiscuity my entire life and ironically, ironically in the midst of promiscuity is where i actually feel most confident. most secure. most in charge. like people listen to me. people bend to my will. they do what i say. they "respect" me. crazy right?

im afraid to pull my sex back from people. what else would they want me for? after all these years im still grappling with what else i have to offer anyone. my intelligence? my wit? my character?

...........................................................................ha...........................................................................................

so i went to the most beautifully romantic restaurant i think i have ever been to aside from the one at riverbank state park and although i was surrounded by besties and fam i felt so alone. so very alone. i have been single for a year and 7 months.....i just wanna be, i just wanna be successful.....in every aspect of my life and i feel like its not coming. whew i am so close to the edge yall. yall have no idea how close to the edge i am. the knuckles on my toes are gripping the cliff so hard it hurts deep into my soul. the beads of my sweat fall from my brow deep into the abyss and i cant hear when they hit the ground. i dont know how far that fall is.and im scared.

another one of the songs i listen to as i drown.....

When the fighters are all around
All the lovers are underground
No one will save you anymore
So what's happening, what you rapping about?
it's aboy. Is it cars? Is it girls? Is it money?
The world?

Or is it something they can never believe?
Or is it something you can never achieve?
Is it
Beyond your means?
Is it
Inside your dreams?
Can it
Never come out cause it's scared to
Unprepared to
Too worried about the words of the people it's weird to
You don't want them to hear you
You just wish there was a door that would appear that you can go disappear through
Well I'm feeling your pain
I was feeling the same
But I said I'd never feel that again

in the words of weezy its like i know what i gotta say i just dont know how to say it....to you