My life is all i have...

I was never too good at these journal things. Whether they be written or internet I just can't seem to find the time to write chronologically. Aside from that hurdle, I just can't seem to write honestly. Although i am a tremendously open person (i think) i'm still very private. Very, very private. I still think I only have 2 best friends when in actuality I now have 6. And it hurts the other 4 when they hear that I don't think of them as best friends....I'm sorry....I do....it's just I was never too good at this being warm thing.

So Steve Harvey was on Tyra, or Oprah, one of them shows, I don't watch TV anymore, I just heard...and he was giving "advice" on relationships. He said women should 'act like a lady but think like a man'....and it confuses and hurts me because i think i 'act like a man and think like a lady'.....yea ponder on that for a minute. i also realized that i always have what i can never want....what does that mean? it means i always have the great guy: we get along great, we chill, we laugh, we're intimate, we talk intimate, we talk intellectually, the sex is the bomb!!! OR i have this chick and she's great: we talk, we laugh, we play, we chill, there's "flirtation" (at least i think) BUT i can NEVER want them. there is something out there preventing us from being together. in the guy case both his and my lives would fall apart, many people would be hurt, surprised, and even angry if we were to want each other. if we were to get each other. in the chick case things would just be too difficult. There'd be a conflict of interest so it's better to just not want her.

that sucks. that really sucks. for me. always. im used to it.

so i spend my fake relationships with all these people quickly. they usually end within months and i have to move on to someone new to have but not want because if i stick around too long with the ones i have, im going to eventually want them. and for ty...thats bad. i do wish i could scream fuck what everyone else thinks but i can't. because im a social butterfly (snicker) and i live for other people (well, that's true) sigh....fucking steve harvey..

what's going on in my life? okay, time to be honest. i'm poor. thats whats going on in my life. i have maybe 100 dollars in my bank account with expenses that come everyday....my mother isn't getting much income and the income that she does get goes to her mountain sized debt. i don't know what im going to do if i dont land this summer internship (higher force please work with me. i am helping myself, so help me) i just lost a scholarship due to a drop in my GPA and now the financial aid office is sending me bills that are unpaid. now im back to the question i had before...will i be able to stay in college? will i be able to afford my education. friends all around me are dropping out or "taking semesters off" THAT WILL NOT BE ME DAMMIT! i will be the first to graduate from a four year college! i will! i only have two more years left come on higher power work with me!! and with only 2 more years left right now (at least) i only have 2500 of debt! thats fricking gooooood!!!

i will not drop out. i will not.

in other news.....so i said i would pull back from joining orgs on campus right? and i join Shades Step team which is another expense and a big ass commitment...smh...why do i do this to myself? whyyyy??? my body hurts! my time is spent! and yesterday after i came from class to take a nap (lol here) i knocked out for four hours waking up right at the time of practice and having to run my ass to the gym....smh my sleep habits are all sorts of wrong im missing classes. i keep saying i need to get my life together....how? do i need to take some solitude again? like TOTALLY pull back from errbody? bringing my Fbook wall back and opening my arms has thrown me way off track. i guess i wasn't ready...sigh

i got class in an hour and i haven't read what i was supposed to read...i'll say i'll be back later but with my life...probably not. thanks to those who request blog updates. it's nice to know someone's reading.