May your conscience live in your throat she said.

Oh, how i wish it were that easy. I wish things easily spoken could be easily carried out but often is not the case. Often when you try to be honorable and true you are standing alone. When you acknowledge wrong ways of handling things, you stand alone. I have tried to walk as if Jesus truly lived in my soul. I have tried to speak with him on my tongue and walk as though there were only one set of footprints, and it was me who carried him.

I didn't want things to get like this. I had originally spoken up of my discomfort to someone I trusted in privacy, in trust, in total understanding that this was something that I could just get off my chest to he and only he, but he felt that he needed to tell others who were "close" to him. Others who "needed" to know. Why they "needed" to know I have no idea. Why they are now "close" to him I have no clue, to my understanding, they didn't have that close of a connection to the family but ...

I identify with rape victims, molestation victims, incest victims, sexual harrassment victims. I understand why we tell no one that it happened, not even ourself. It is our way of survival. Do not speak of it and it won't be true. Do not speak of it and the backlash won't come to you. As much as people try to tell the victim that they will be safe, away from harm, scrutiny, and any type of ill feelings, the victim is never safe. The victim always feels regret, guilt, sorrow. Sure the victim had every right and a moral responsibilty to tell, but the occurrences thereafter always leave the victim by the wayside, alone to wallow in the emotions of his/her actions alone.

So I apologized. This shit is on my conscience. I felt that in order for me to sleep better at night there were some things I had to say. A point that I had to get across. With every action comes a reaction I understand that, and I have always tried to be prepared for the consequences of my actions, but these consequences are too much for me to bear. I couldn't bear it! I couldn't stand by and watch someone get ostracized for yes a reprimandable action but not one that is uncommon!! Especially to me!! I have handled this before, am handling it now, and will handle it in the future, and for all the good my speaking out has done I wish I would've kept my mouth closed!

May your conscience live in your throat she said. May I always speak on what is right. May I always clear my tablet of sins and walk anew each day. Even if each day I must walk alone. It is so bad? Is it so bad to pull back from society and live in your own company? Who can I trust anymore? Can I even trust myself? My emotions? Was my interpretation of certain actions correct? Now I question myself. I do not take back what I said for that was true and it was what I felt. All I regret is to whom I said it. That is my deepest regret. It has always taken a lot for me to trust. And especially a hell of a lot for me to trust an older male. An even more amount is taken for me to trust an older male father figure ... and my personality is very stubborn. Yes, I have lost trust. Yes, I realize that once again I have been naive and I do not like it. I do not like this feeling and i feel the best way to protect myself from these feelings is just to not trust in the first place.

It amazes me how full one can get of writing, or rather, how empty.
I came across a quote the other day. It said "there's nothing to writing. all you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein". I immediately thought, "how true," and used that quote to identify myself.
I've wanted to write, want to write, but i pain myself with thoughts of writing something "good", something "worth reading" that i brainstorm for minutes and then defeatedly give up. It is now that I decide that whatever I have to say needs to be said, and whatever I have to write needs to be read.
This blogger thing here, I really don't know what the masses use it for, why it was invented. A whole service provider for writing. Just webspace specifically for writing ... so i guess I'll make it personal, as I do everything ... and write about me.

t.y