It's very difficult living in this world wearing my heart on my sleeve. Whenever the wind blows and tickles my arm just right my heart becomes vulnerable. I fall into a less strong state and I don't know how to deal with the emotions that come from being tickled just right.

And I cannot deny it. It's soon but I like him. I like him. I like him, I do. I don't believe it's too soon. It never is with the way I live my life. So passionate, so strong, so forward. I can handle strong. I've been searching the sidewalks for someone who can handle my strong too...have I found him?

I feel very peaceful this New Year coming in. Very happy. Today is the last day of 2008. The last day 2008 wil ever be a year and it has been quite an eventful and struggling year. Yet even with all that I have been through, today, this last day, I feel so good. So excited for what the New Year can bring and for what I want it to bring...and yes....I want it to bring him a little closer to me.

I'm happy. So far he seems right. Seem being the operative word. I've been single for 1 year and 3 months. I've gotten okay with being single. I got over the yearning, needing, desiring for a boyfriend and I'm at peace. What better time for Mother Nature to fill her lungs and blow a little something, something in my direction?

Happy New Year everyone. I find myself smiling just because I'm happy more and more these days. I wish the same for you...

*'09 will be the business!!*

It's always when you aren't looking...

So the past few blogs have been about flashbacks right? Well this flashback is a lykkle different.

In high school I was definitely in my own world. I had my group of TWO friends (now my loveable besties) and my gang of associates I had my own breed of love for. That was pretty much it. So no, I don't remember him. I never really knew or acknowledged that he existed until he graduated and came back to do the whole "alum doing great things and yada yada college" speech. Boy was he cute :)

So I received his AIM and hit him up. We would speak periodically, flirt even more, and we had a few things in common. Very few, we didn't really know each other like that. We weren't friends we were both just Alum from Robe. And I never expected two years later to chill with him, to laugh with him, to infiltrate (apprently my new word) him into my bestie's life, to eat with him at our diner.....to like him.

I was with him last night and we had a conversation. I knew at the beginning of that conversation that it was one I should divert, run from , send out an S.O.S. And quick! But I didn't. I obliged him and got to know him a little deeper, he became more real to me. And smack dab there's a POT (potential lover) in my life when I wasn't even looking. Had finally really become content with being sinlge, with waiting for whomever, with just chilling, even being celibate here and there.

He's a friend. And that's all im going to tell myself...for now. I call him |b0y|frienn. Emphasis on the friend, separate the boy, he's not mine, I'm not his...he's just a |boy|friend.....

Somebody call me an angel...on speed dial

Merry Christmas! I don't think it was any accident that Christmas is so close to the end of the year....it's a time when we feel reflective and contemplative on where we are in our lives and where we stand with the people in them. I had a dream a night or two ago that I passed away. Didn't think anything about it because sometimes I get those questions in my head but yesterday...yesterday was scary.

I'm a Brooklyn girl with a mama who raised me to be a good girl. I do what mama says (for the most part), get good grades in school, act responsibly, a good girl. And sometimes good girls get bitten by the bad bug. Good girls live double lives walking the tightrope between good and evil. It's just a question of which side will pull us under.

And yesterday was a good night. It started off relaxing, sipping on eggnog and rum accompanied by two blacks, a crazy story from Riv and a follow up convo with the bestie. The night then led me to call Ayiti and be entertained by his antics. I'm never let down when his number is dialed...and then came the flashback. Granted we met almost 10 years ago and had spoken on and off within the last 5 he's still a flashback...another one. One who lives the same dichotomist lifestyle of good vs. Evil. And he's hella good....so I know he's just as bad. That enticing, flirtacious, innuendo filled conversation led me to contact my cousin and his best friend. They came over and I knew angels were on standby.

My cousins best friend at 24 years of age is still someone I harbor a secret crush for. Growing up as the young annoying "sibling" I could only watch "Pstreet" from afar...but now...im still young but im older now. And all of the things I couldn't express before, my dealings with other men have taught me express now.

The night rolled on sharing smokes and coronas with my cousin and Pstreet and the coronas ran out....I accompanied Pstreet to the store. Led him to the store I always go to even though he had plans of traveling elsewhere. He's a hood gentleman: whatever the pretty lady wants.

Walking side by side with my fantasy trying not to blush too hard, trying to come up with wittier and punnier lines than he, we slip slided across slippery sidewalks in brooklyn. I was feeling nice all over...and then to break the monotony, or rather keep the monotony of the brooklyn style, a quick succession of events happened.

An accident at the intersection of Pacific and Howard.
A random third party arriving at the scene screaming at other bystanders to pop off and get it popping.

Pstreet takes my hand, says in a voice so deep, so serious, so manly, a voice I wish would have spoken other words but these, "let's go"....we book it.

I've lived in Brooklyn all my life. In the heart of Crip territory, raised around Bloods, and never, never have I been as close to danger, as close to death by stray bullet as I was last night. Yet even when I am a little bit near, there is always an angel by my side. Always a man, a hood boy knowledgable to the streets there to protect me, there to guide back to the other side of the tightrope whispering "stay a good girl ma, this ain't the life for you". And in no way am I calling Pstreet an angel, he's just my angel. There to bring me close to the edge but safely pull me away. How many times can one escape close calls? I don't know....but with finally being old enough to flirt with my crush, and having him there by my side to watch out for....I have my angel on speed dial...

*too shaken up to reflect more on the situation*

Flashbacks be really making me feel like I still got it...no really though...

He wasn't the best choice for me. One I had gotten constant warning about, and everyone had a comment. From the adult staff down to my very closest friends, no one wanted me with Buggzy...yet I gave him a chance. And he hurt me as deep as a 15 year old could get hurt. It's been four years and he's back. Like a blink of the eye, a dream filled sleep, I woke up and he called me. As if four years never passed he called me boo and baby. Says he's my number 1 fan....he, he "loves" me. And I'm supposed to just spread my arms and legs wide enough for him to squeeze back into my life? I don't know where this will go. My number's still the same and no I won't change it and no I can't just ignore his calls. Coming home always makes me nervous....


I wrote a poem about him. I thought he was so different....I thought that maybe after getting my heart broken, torn into pieces, that a rebound shot from a chick who can't play basketball would be nothing but net...and he was nothing but regret. He hit me up on aim. And I had that flash of shock that only sidekicks could give you when the screen name pops up in the corner of your screen: Ducky. We didn't neccessarily end on bad terms but it surely wasn't good. I definitely don't have fond memories nor did I ever envision myself entertaining conversations with him....goodness gracious do I really still got it like that?


And Danger. Oh the warning signs are up all around me highlighted and magnified yet I'm still entertaining conversation with Danger. Three of four years have passed what am I doing with this man? Why are we still speaking? I will never be with him...I will never like him...I don't love him, love? Oh please don't even speak that word to me...but I indulge in his phone calls and visits.

I'm not too afraid to be alone...I'm just too afraid to be lonely.

So I'm home...don't it feel good?

I love my mother so much. In all of her glory she and my uncle drove all the way to New Paltz even though a snowstorm was coming just to retrieve me...I knew I'd have to drive home, and I didn't mind...until I got on the road that is.

Driving is not cool. Driving in a snowstorm while making sure other drivers are up on their job, even un-cooler but we made it safe and sound to the beautiful ugliness of Brooklyn...Believe The Hype! As Marty says...

And I thought I'd come home, enjoy a night of poetry and reunion, eat some good ol' Golden Crust and chillax with the homies...but I didn't and I'm not. Instead I'm enjoying the solitude. Took a quick napster, made love with Whitley, jumped in the shower, and now laying on my couch with the soft lamp on, toes just a freezing, body still ashy from the shower, I have rekindled my passion for reading. I forgot words were beautiful to me and stories were romantic. I'm shaking my head at home but home is where my heart is and my friends are and passion lives. It's not often that I divulge in the beauty of solitude and growing up has allowed my mother the opportunity to treat me as a woman. She leaves me alone but has not left me and I apreciate that. Our coexistence in this house together. She at one end, I at the other. Both in our solitude but...together. And I with book perched on my knee as I'm blogging this....I kinda like this feeling. The 'just got home and I missed it but I know soon imma be shaking my damn head' feeling. I like it, I missed it, and I missed you.

Now, back to random texts from Southern Fruit and the journeys of Tyler, Shelby, Debra and Leonard in Friends & Lovers by Eric Jerome Dickey......

Finally, 2008 is ending.

Spring, summer, and fall have been very trying for me this year. I've lost my passion for writing, found it again, and am getting to know it all over. It hurts to have to constantly relearn who you are, but that's the beauty in growth isn't it?

I look forward to 2009. Spoke with the bestie and realized odd numbers do me justice...i always was a bit odd.

Finals are over and I am leaving SUNY New Paltz behind.....for at least two months...I'll be back back in the new year with a new outlook and hopefully new stories to begin.

Until then, happy holidays, happy new year...and stay tuned.