The invention of TWOG....

So since I tweet now way more than I blog, I decided to give myself a writing exercise and expand on my tweets. Let's hope I remember how I was feeling. If not, it'll be a creative writing/non fiction experience to enjoy!

*sidebar* I tweet A LOT so I'll exclude random tweets or tweets that don't apply to what I'm saying. I started tweeting in December and it is now May so I'm not sure if I'll do all the months. maybe, but Family Guy comes on at 11. If all of the months are here it's because this was a WIP and I came back to finish it...just for you all...smooches*

December proved to be a great ending...

AmethystGlaze is reflecting on a night with Naasty KnockOut KO Chapter, [b0y]friennn, and hAl0. Now to eat and rest before 518 infiltrates the 718!!!!!Dec 29th, 2008

AmethystGlaze is chilling with her roomie! *thinking about boyfriennn and hoping he finds peace*Dec 29th, 2008

AmethystGlaze went to sleep, was awakened by boyfrienn's call, then her spec's call! and now im wide awake and excited for the official last week of '08!!Dec 30th, 2008

AmethystGlaze is sweating with sorors...making up strolls is such exercise...hopefully the 518 gets to the bx safe. 718 ain't all that difficult.Dec 30th, 2008

damn, didn't realized I tweeted that much about *him*. I ate dinner with my chapter sisters of Kappa Omicron of Sigma Gamma Rho Sorority, Inc, met sunshine (he was referred to in previous blogs) and my roommate from New Paltz (who lives in Albany, hence the 518 reference came to visit me in Brooklyn). There has always been uncomfortability (is that a frigging word?? It keeps giving me the red squiggly!) on my part when it comes to chilling with KO. I realize that although i love people dearly and need them and want them in my life...I just give too much of my energy. It depletes me and I just can't sometimes. It's been really rough ever since I became a SIGMA woman but what I have learned is that when it comes down to it we are all working towards and for the business of Sigma. I keep that in mind.

As for "sunshine"...ha. That ended with nightfall although ironically we spent most of our time during the night. I really don't want to expand on him. You guys read the earlier blogs.

My roomie! I love my roomie. We weren't that close freshman year although we knew of each other. I was actually friends with one of her room mates (she used to live in a suite) and through the midst of mad nuff drama (omg) we found each other. We've been tight ever since and I truly love her. They say you come to college and find friend(s) for life. I got that in my 518.

On to january!

AmethystGlaze is twwwiiissssteddddd!!!!! waiting on *him* to hit me up again. @blue831 yo I love you! we all we got! Jan 1st

AmethystGlaze is with the bestie and the ladies. I brought in 2009 beautifully, now to see *him* to add the icing... Jan 1st

AmethystGlaze is just cracking her eyes open from a byootiful New Years w the ladies....Club Amazura tonight! *he* didn't even call.... Jan 1st

AmethystGlaze is on her way to step correct w the poodles... Jan 1st

AmethystGlaze 's feet hurt! Standing up at Club Amazura. Never again am I coming to Step Correct. I try everything at least once...Jan 1st

AmethystGlaze is ready to go home. I'm growing up yall. This party life ain't for me. I just wanna chill with *him* Jan 1st

AmethystGlaze is laying on boyfrienn and watching Cadillac Records (again) with the 518AM Jan 3rd

AmethystGlaze just finished modifying her online life...solitude. up with the besties....will i get sleep anytime in this life? Jan 4th

AmethystGlaze is back with the triangle w a stomach grumbling for food. maybe see |b0y|frienn tonight? Jan 5th

AmethystGlaze doesn't think she'll be able to see (b0y)friennn tonight... :(. Alls well i spent some quality time with the mochas n co. Jan 5th

AmethystGlaze is waking up next to him... Jan 6th

AmethystGlaze will be encountering Danger shortly...but I got an angel on speed dial Jan 6th

AmethystGlaze okay dammit im up, im up! *I love that he calls me every morning* Jan 7th

AmethystGlaze is on her way home after another night of creeping. This has got to stop, I'm getting bored already. Jan 8th

AmethystGlaze doesn't know if reopening her wounds with jesus was the right way to go Jan 11th

AmethystGlaze beef. pork. chicken. all gone...in moderation, then POOF! Jan 15th

AmethystGlaze chilling in good company waiting for the triangle. ON WITH 200MINE!! Sometimes having no limits is great! Jan 16th

AmethystGlaze is definitely not having kids until she is securely in a MARRIAGE!!! and i will not surround myself with single friends! Jan 17th

AmethystGlaze is with the triangle....new paltz okay im not dreading you too much anymore...sike!!!Jan 18th

AmethystGlaze yo I love my besties like ping, good day!, not gonna let a ghost stress me out, in and around my mouth, hehehe, and all the rest!! Jan 18th

AmethystGlaze still loves her besties like hey boy, we gotta set some ground rules, no sleep til brooklyn, wanna go to the diner, wanna go to ihop...etc Jan 18th

AmethystGlaze dropped off the baby and ate. we're the best non parents ever...sleep...a day in the life of the mochas Jan 18th

AmethystGlaze is non actively looking for her spoon. that leg arm attachment. the breath on the nape of her neck. happily independently dependent Jan 19th

AmethystGlaze is it bad that im not excited? thank you saul williams for ruining my celebration!!!Jan 20th

AmethystGlaze damn my angels on speed dial be working overtime...smh Jan 23rd

AmethystGlaze is off to see the city, the wonderful city of BROOKLYN!! Jan 23rd

AmethystGlaze is introducing chicken (healthily made) back into her diet for protein. S.O.S. Bestie!! Jan 23rd

AmethystGlaze chilling with sunshine at night...off to the mountains in an hour...Jan 25th

AmethystGlaze is still in the early stages of getting her life together... Jan 27th

AmethystGlaze doesn't want to keep opening her arms and heart for daggers...she should never see her blood run red Jan 28th

AmethystGlaze wants to be like Shelby in 'Friends n Lovers' with self induced physical pain so deep she forgets about her emotions... Jan 28th

AmethystGlaze is on her mission impossible, incognegro, meet by the left tree on the right side of the road after midnight ish.....it feels good!Jan 28th

AmethystGlaze is smiling a little inside...like a confused boomerang not sure of which way to turn the other end Jan 30th

AmethystGlaze wishes he would stop contacting her. I cut ties and keep it moving. would it be mean if I ignore him?Jan 30th

AmethystGlaze a god that isn't personal is just weather - slammer at nuyo semi finals Jan 31st

AmethystGlaze I love the host of Udubb/Knicks slam at the Nuyo like I could never explain...I really do Jan 31st

So I definitely excluded a lot of tweets during the month of January. Some i just didn't want to expand on and others had no relevance lol. If you care enough you can follow me www.twitter.com/amethystglaze. So once again Sunshine has risen in the tweets. Around the 28th though things started getting sour, or rather real. He showed me what his true intentions were and it hurt...didn't i say I didn't wanna talk about that anymore? Moving on...

January was a good month...I guess. I can remember feeling excited, and happy. It was the beginning of a new semester at school, but then he happened (shit there he goes again!) among other things and I pulled into my solitude. I really need it, to be alone. It felt wonderful and in my solitude I began strengthening outside relationships. Weird, huh? I became stronger and realized how blessed I am and how much of a blessing I am. I'm still in my solitude but I'm better now. The solitude is because I want it now and know how to use it, not because I have animosity towards others anymore.

If you haven't noticed my besties are an integral part of my life. I am with them almost all of the time and when we aren't together we're talking or texting or tweeting or blogging or thinking of each other lol. It gives me great practice for when I enter my relationship with my significant other...whoever he may be.

this life is hard for me...in need of some red brick dust

i like to reflect. i like to write. but to reflect and write is hard for me. so much has happened since my last blog. i live my life passionately and quickly... but sometimes i dont find the energy to tell all of you. as im writing this now i just want to stop and go to my room and sleep away everything as i always do...

Him
Hope
Smiles
Work
God

all things that have entered my life once again since the last time i blogged. and i've taken to reading others' blogs, one in particular gives me so much insight because i never would've guessed about him. i never would've known. he is so beautifully human and we dont even interact. i know him through his own words yet i have never spoken to him. i wonder if he knows i follow his blog (he probably does) i wonder if he thinks im a stalker...i feel like a stalker...but he's beautifully human and i want to continue knowing him.

i really love creative writing. so i'll turn this blog into a creatively written nonfiction blog. as my life sister dedicates entries to those in need of light, i'll turn each of my blogs into letters. i love writing letters. i feel i've always spoken my emotions better to people through word.

i dont know when i'll be back but im tired of writing now :). i've been working hard on my creative writing portfolio for my final project for my creative writing class and i just want to go back to my room and chill and smoke a black and call my besties and go home, to brooklyn....

throwbacks...and it went a lil something like this

HIM: hey

ME: hey

HIM: hows it going tosh

ME: fine

HIM: yeah me too
HIM: sup with stat messages?

ME: ?

HIM: lol i read them sometimes
HIM: and sometimes i wanna ask
HIM: but i dont
HIM: scared

ME: then I have no idea which ones ur talking about

HIM: ok ok
HIM: so one of these days ima jus hit u up

HIM: but how you been seriously?

HIM: like what you been up to

ME: fine bout to eat tho brb

HIM: ok i will be here
HIM: waiting

ME: back

HIM: :-)
HIM: good lunch?

ME: dinner

HIM: dinner

ME: yup

HIM: well thats cool i guess,

ME: it is 830

HIM: well i guess i speak to you some other time.

ME: ok

HIM: yeah i no
HIM: how do you feel about me?

ME: i don't kno

ME: its wierd. I feel wierd

ME: i don't know why

HIM: yeah
HIM: me too.

ME: i guess cuz I liked u but u cud never bring urself to trust me

HIM: yeah

ME: why do you still talk to me. how do you feel about me?

HIM: aww man, are you really gonna ask
HIM: ...

ME: yea

HIM: i still think you're one of the dopest chicks i ever met
HIM: if not, then the dopest

ME: why?

HIM: what? i always thought that

ME: but why?

HIM: wtf?
HIM: because you are.
HIM: like
HIM: you look at life at a cool perspective
HIM: much different from alotta chicks
HIM: and you had a cool persona

ME: lol ok

it was weird. as it always is.
but he still hits me up every now and again.
i appreciate it because i get lonely sometimes.
need my worth to be reiterated sometimes.
and he does that...........................................................................genuinely.
i hope.

in a place of solitude right now.

in a place of contemplation right now.

reflection.

and it feels good.
to know.
someone/he
cares.

I wish my honesty box was my person....

So I'm being pulled back into solidarity and reflection...contemplation...growth. I feel like divine order creates this space and time for us when we most need it. I recently updated my Fbook profile and I added the honesty box back to it...updated the question just to see what people would say. An anonymous female told me I was a beautiful and amazing person. An anonymous male said he wants, no he needs me to stop being so promiscuous. My life is worth more than that.....

so here i am. back to my solitude, growth, and reflection while Drake's "successful" plays into my ears. just got back to Np from watching my bestie and other friends perform at the 11th annual udubb finals at the world famous apollo. the 1 minute rounds really touched me. i didnt feel the energy like i used to. i think i closed my eyes to my light. funny because in order to see it i close my eyes....my inner eye is closed. im falling under. my purple used to be so bright. im losing grip on it.

and i know. i know hun that my life is worth more than my promiscuity...or what i keep putting forth. i've had to deal with the issue of promiscuity my entire life. my entire, entire life. from entertaining lesbian experiences at 5 to being molested for two years to having low self esteem about my body to finally feeling attractive and sexy to searching for love in the opposite and same sex....honey i have had to deal with promiscuity my entire life and ironically, ironically in the midst of promiscuity is where i actually feel most confident. most secure. most in charge. like people listen to me. people bend to my will. they do what i say. they "respect" me. crazy right?

im afraid to pull my sex back from people. what else would they want me for? after all these years im still grappling with what else i have to offer anyone. my intelligence? my wit? my character?

...........................................................................ha...........................................................................................

so i went to the most beautifully romantic restaurant i think i have ever been to aside from the one at riverbank state park and although i was surrounded by besties and fam i felt so alone. so very alone. i have been single for a year and 7 months.....i just wanna be, i just wanna be successful.....in every aspect of my life and i feel like its not coming. whew i am so close to the edge yall. yall have no idea how close to the edge i am. the knuckles on my toes are gripping the cliff so hard it hurts deep into my soul. the beads of my sweat fall from my brow deep into the abyss and i cant hear when they hit the ground. i dont know how far that fall is.and im scared.

another one of the songs i listen to as i drown.....

When the fighters are all around
All the lovers are underground
No one will save you anymore
So what's happening, what you rapping about?
it's aboy. Is it cars? Is it girls? Is it money?
The world?

Or is it something they can never believe?
Or is it something you can never achieve?
Is it
Beyond your means?
Is it
Inside your dreams?
Can it
Never come out cause it's scared to
Unprepared to
Too worried about the words of the people it's weird to
You don't want them to hear you
You just wish there was a door that would appear that you can go disappear through
Well I'm feeling your pain
I was feeling the same
But I said I'd never feel that again

in the words of weezy its like i know what i gotta say i just dont know how to say it....to you

My life is all i have...

I was never too good at these journal things. Whether they be written or internet I just can't seem to find the time to write chronologically. Aside from that hurdle, I just can't seem to write honestly. Although i am a tremendously open person (i think) i'm still very private. Very, very private. I still think I only have 2 best friends when in actuality I now have 6. And it hurts the other 4 when they hear that I don't think of them as best friends....I'm sorry....I do....it's just I was never too good at this being warm thing.

So Steve Harvey was on Tyra, or Oprah, one of them shows, I don't watch TV anymore, I just heard...and he was giving "advice" on relationships. He said women should 'act like a lady but think like a man'....and it confuses and hurts me because i think i 'act like a man and think like a lady'.....yea ponder on that for a minute. i also realized that i always have what i can never want....what does that mean? it means i always have the great guy: we get along great, we chill, we laugh, we're intimate, we talk intimate, we talk intellectually, the sex is the bomb!!! OR i have this chick and she's great: we talk, we laugh, we play, we chill, there's "flirtation" (at least i think) BUT i can NEVER want them. there is something out there preventing us from being together. in the guy case both his and my lives would fall apart, many people would be hurt, surprised, and even angry if we were to want each other. if we were to get each other. in the chick case things would just be too difficult. There'd be a conflict of interest so it's better to just not want her.

that sucks. that really sucks. for me. always. im used to it.

so i spend my fake relationships with all these people quickly. they usually end within months and i have to move on to someone new to have but not want because if i stick around too long with the ones i have, im going to eventually want them. and for ty...thats bad. i do wish i could scream fuck what everyone else thinks but i can't. because im a social butterfly (snicker) and i live for other people (well, that's true) sigh....fucking steve harvey..

what's going on in my life? okay, time to be honest. i'm poor. thats whats going on in my life. i have maybe 100 dollars in my bank account with expenses that come everyday....my mother isn't getting much income and the income that she does get goes to her mountain sized debt. i don't know what im going to do if i dont land this summer internship (higher force please work with me. i am helping myself, so help me) i just lost a scholarship due to a drop in my GPA and now the financial aid office is sending me bills that are unpaid. now im back to the question i had before...will i be able to stay in college? will i be able to afford my education. friends all around me are dropping out or "taking semesters off" THAT WILL NOT BE ME DAMMIT! i will be the first to graduate from a four year college! i will! i only have two more years left come on higher power work with me!! and with only 2 more years left right now (at least) i only have 2500 of debt! thats fricking gooooood!!!

i will not drop out. i will not.

in other news.....so i said i would pull back from joining orgs on campus right? and i join Shades Step team which is another expense and a big ass commitment...smh...why do i do this to myself? whyyyy??? my body hurts! my time is spent! and yesterday after i came from class to take a nap (lol here) i knocked out for four hours waking up right at the time of practice and having to run my ass to the gym....smh my sleep habits are all sorts of wrong im missing classes. i keep saying i need to get my life together....how? do i need to take some solitude again? like TOTALLY pull back from errbody? bringing my Fbook wall back and opening my arms has thrown me way off track. i guess i wasn't ready...sigh

i got class in an hour and i haven't read what i was supposed to read...i'll say i'll be back later but with my life...probably not. thanks to those who request blog updates. it's nice to know someone's reading.

It's been a long time...I shouldn'ta left you, left you...


SO! Whew, shootouts between aliens and bloods man lol im guessing a lot has happened since vally tines day, I mean it is a new month and all...but honestly I can't or don't remember. A convo with the bestie brought that point of my memory up. So much happens that when people ask "how are you" I just say fine. It isn't until you ask the right questions that you get the full gang related answer lol

So let me pause for awhile as I ask myself some questions...

I'm stressed, but when am I not? I need an assistant but when do I don't? Sure I've been getting high waaay to much but it's college....hmmm im really not asking myself the right questions lol

I guess my life has come to point where its slowing down. I knew this would be a consequence....all of my youunger years I've been living life fast, hard, and enjoyable. I've done everything I wanted to do and lived life with no regrets. When those regrest did come I just reminded myself that I live life with no regrets...

I got things to focus on now. God might be telling me to be easy, lay low and take care of what I gotta take care of because I surely have been procrastinating and I surely do have things that need to get done (hence why I need an assistant) ::sigh::

On to better things, OH! I finally asked myself the right question! Tomorrow! Reunion of the Mochas! And the Spec mommy! And maybe even the Spec daddy! And KOoLaidkidZ will be reunited! Oh yes! Tommorow Kappa Alpha Psi Fraternity, Inc and Omega Phi Chi Sorority, Inc are having their Pikkture Purrfect P2 party. (Okay so the first one ppl fought and security had a shootout but still) everyone's coming! I'm so excited. I haven't chilled with my besties in a minuto and yea...I miss them heffars. It'll be a weekend to forget lol. And Spec mommy Stephanie is coming! I haven't seen her since Step Correct, haven't really chilled since that weekend in East Bubblefuck that I'd like to forget but can only remember 1/4th of the night. Don't ask, don't ask... :)
And Spec daddy Wole? Oh gosh I can't even remember the last time I saw him, or we chilled, damn deadbeat daddies smh

I really miss my snumba, my boobie, my nelly welly, my Darnnel!!! He brought up the idea of snumba withdrawal and I am really going through it! I mean our relationship hasn't changed, I still cut his young light skinnededed ass through aim but there's nothing like cutting ass on someone and seeing their face to vividly record the memories....sigh...snumba my snumba he so sweet!

As for my New Paltz people. Yall know I only have two friends....like anywhere lol I still love my roomie to death, my sasha and oh yeah freddy's there too. Waiting for Spring Break to come. I'm really getting tired of New Paltz, and classes, and not going anywhere...off to Virgina? Maybe. Atlanta (where I really wanna go)? Maybe. All depends. The bestie brought up Flow-Rida. I haven't seen my brother since we were both in High School and Florida has beaches, sun, and maybe some pretty people to have one night stands with so Flow-Rida's not looking bad either.

Sitting here getting my hair done, getting a pedi and the eyebrows done tomorrow, pack of Blacks coming soon ahhhhh such is the life...

Ohvwa my friends! (So what I can't spell, neither can you! Ha!)

Purple Ipods and a room of Valentines....


ehhh valentine's day. coming to new paltz i've met "conscious" black men who tell me over and over again what the REAL meaning behind valentine's day. it enlightened me but it doesn't affect me because i don't celebrate valentine's day anyway lol im in a room with the music jonesing....a pair of valentine's (myself included hehehe) and friends....its nice to be surrounded by a variety of people that i bond with. they cool.....

kinda anxious about this program tomorrow. alot of the paperwork has been stressful and i can not wait until i get new sorors geesh.... it should be a good program though...hopefully...i dont wanna go to the party after but the peoples are tryna to persuade me. we'll see how it goes, im not really down with the rink tink tink if ya know what i mean...

soooo......im feeling more of my two spirit everyday. wanting to find me a nice young lady to settle down with. i always believed that bisexual people used that term as an excuse because they're afraid to accept that they're gay or straight lol....yea that was me.....i know one day i'll choose a road and travel it. im feeling it coming.

how could you not know? i say men ain't shit everyday all day~ lol

pause the ipod and cut the tv on....its thursday after 9.

p.s. happy birthday shaina. i hope the present you're giving yourself reaps you a bountiful harvest

A sedimentary rock....my second or third favorite....


Let's go way back way way back....and member that boy? The one who became the focal point of my blogs? The one who my bestie warned me not to write so much about? Well yea he helped prove my theory that men ain't shit. Now i don't mean this in a negative derogatory way because I do love men and I know that there are just as much women out there who ain't shit (myself included). What I mean when I say men ain't shit is that old timers joke ya know? When your grandad is sitting out on the porch in his rocker talking to his longtime home skillet and his home skillet says something like,

"Man if I was younger I'd tap these youngins out here but good...(hearty laugh)

and you grandad goes...

"Nigga, you ain't shit....(chuckle chuckle)"

That's what I mean. I learned a long time ago not to put men on a pedestal just because they claim to be my complementary spirit. At the end of the day men are just men, not a God, not my savior, not my happiness, not my be all end all...but just...a man. And the recent one hurt me. Not bad, I can get over it. It takes too much time and energy for me to put my emotions into someone so as much as he thinks he got of me, truthfully he got nothing. In my mind whatever we were experiencing with each other has ended and there is no reason for us to still be in communication, but he contacts me....for no reason other than to "get a rise out of me". That makes me angry...very angry. He used me as a rebound, a seat warmer until he and his ex decided to reconcile and he's using me...for what I don't know. I can be so mean, but I'm not that person. If he's reading this....take this as a declaration. We need not speak anymore.


Elsewhere in the vast corners of my life....I had a charming blast from the past. Sometimes I think about him when I scroll past his name in my phonebook or look at his picture on my wall or remember the good ol' days when I was 15/16. He called me yesterday. Clean shaven, deep voiced and army trained. Married with a walking, talking daughter and one on the way that should have been born by now according to the last time we spoke (which was a while ago). He's back from California to Texas enjoying the warm weather while I'm fighting to keep my fingers as I raise them to my lips for a Black & Mild. It's nice that he thought of me. Nice that he called and both of our numbers are still the same. He's the only Cappy I think I can ever tolerate enough to love and I miss him from time to time. Lord keep him safe in Iraq...

I've still been really enjoying the company of Me, Myself, and I. Whenever they come over we have a grand old time. This solitude ish is really nice. More on that later but my stomach is grumbling heavily..okay okay Sugar Smacks here I come....damn that's ghetto. The actual name is Honey Smacks but I been calling them Sugar Smacks for years...smh


TaTaFaNow

Light skin dudes are learning and B.A.N.'s are stepping their game up....

In my life of shootouts between aliens and bloods much has happened. My sunshine and I had a falling out of which could have remained that way but for my need of closure and sense of conclusion, he's back. We both have an understanding of what went wrong with the miscommunication and have resolved (again) to be friends and take it slow. The way things should go. I know myself. I know that if I want a substantial long term relationship time needs to be a crucial factor in order for my mate to realize, understand, and mesh my personality with his. It's all about compromise but I refuse to continue to compromise who I am for men who won't do the same. I'll tell you a secret though, I'm glad he's back...shhhh :)

There's another guy. A B.A.N. He doesn't really merit a paragraph, not event the short one I'm going to give him but he's intertwined his way into my dealings and everyday thoughts in a way that gives himself way too much credit. He had nerve to chop 'n' screw my bestie and think he has the upper hand on me....

Who do you think you are?

Mr. Big Stuff?

You're never gonna get my loooove!

End of story cause I could go in...no I mean really though I be going in! lol

Them B.A.N.'s....stepping their game UP! (or at least trying to in the above mentioned B.A.N.) For those of you who don't know what a B.A.N. is please reference David Banner.

There was to be a spontaneous yet planned trip to West Bubble this weekend but when B.A.N.'s step too far out of the little circle they must get shut down. All in all I should have an interesting weekend...I hope...we'll see...I am back in school after all...

As for the light skin dudes out there.....where have you been taking classes and who's been teaching you? I need to have a word with them! How dare you do the only thing your good for and then try to put in that extra lil' something something? *snicker* Oh I would go in but this here Blogger thing is so public. I will not be the first person to have her Blogger censored!

Until Monday! Brooklyn has me for now!

"Promise me this...don't tell nobody...I can't get in that car man, I stink..."

I don't like the way I live my life. The bestie pointed out that my blogs have begun to be about a boy...that boy. And tonight's blog could've been about him too. I invited him to share in an experience with me and he forgot. He didn't attend. It was still an experience in itself.

Real Poetry is the monthly open mic that I've been attending since age 15. It's hosted by Christopher Slaughter and attended by famous and famous by word of mouth underground poets, people, and more of the like. "Tonight was special" Slaughter said.

After a great show, most of which I missed, and an interesting boule session afterwards, a young man approached Slaughter on the side. He spoke of his crack addicted mother who was presently shooting up. He spoke of how hungry he was, he hadn't eaten in two days. He spoke of how much he stunk...he couldn't get in a car full of women. He spoke of how all he wanted was to reach his grandmother uptown. And Slaughter in all his glory anfd generosity just wanted to help him. He did. Placed him in a cab with 10 dollars in his pocket, a new phone number in his hand, and hope in his heart. Damn this thing called life.

And now with a question from Slaughter directed towards my walk, I'm in the back seat of his car wondering if I'm going through Round 2 of something I never wanted to happen unplanned again.

And it's not that I'm careless..or unthoughtful. I'm calm because it happened before. I should know the signs, I think I would know the signs.....

I must exert my will power. I don't have any...and I'm tired of going back on my word to myself. No longer...

There's a routine...and it's only been 2 weeks.

I get bored easily. Call it a stipulation of being an only child, but I was never able to keep my thoughts or attention on one thing for too long. I've always been sporadic and spontaneous living life randomly so routines were never it for me. I could only handle the routine of school because it was neccessary....only the routine of chores because mama was the big dog of the house. The only things I could control not having a routine in were my relationships.

And oh the joy! Oh the excitement in switching 'em up every two months. In randomly having adventures, making jokes about them, and kicking 'em to the curb. i have yet to find a man who could keep me on my toes. Who is one step ahead of me and keeps the relationship exciting.

And already it has been just around two weeks and i have a routine. It just fell into place. I don't like it, I don't. I'm slightly claustrophobic...routines especially in relationships make me feel trapped and boxed in, hence why I always have to find an escape and get out of it...run away...chop 'em off...buk! buk! (insider :) )

SIGH... luckily this one is different. He realizes there's a routine and we both don't like it. It has got to change. Idealists are not to conform to the norm.....we're only realists when we wanna be...

"I've been falling in love with you since the first day we met..."

I slept with sunshine in my bed last night. He was warm, he was cuddly, and he watched me peacefully as I slumbered with him in my dreams. He wrapped his rays around my waist, and his aura shined through the darkness...

I believe in gender roles to a certain extent. In the idea that in a relationship women should act as women and men should act as men. I know that sounds a little 1920ish but in no way do I mean there needs to be an inferior/superior complex. Those words are negative. I believe in a submissive/dominant complex. In finding the two-spirit in all of us and knowing when as a woman we should be dominant or submissive and when as a man we should be dominant or submissive.

I want a MAN in my life. That's hard for me to explain. I mean a MAN in the sense that he is strong and caring. Someone who has a Plan A and strives for it undoubtedly and if he does not reach that Plan A he has his Plan B. I want a MAN in that he thinks about his woman and knows her moods. When she isn't herself but is putting on a front, when she just needs to be rubbed, when she's sending out the signal for sex...I want to feel secure underneath my MAN's arm close to his heart and encased by his rib.

There's a man in my life now. I'm enjoying getting to know him and discovering things about him. I know that there is so much I can give to him, so many ways in which I can support him but after a convo with the bestie I'm wondering if there is a life he can integrate me into. What does he enjoy doing? Who are his friends? What can he teach me? A friendship should be reciprocative. So should a relationship. The beauty about life is that there is so much time to explore these things.

He's new and he's exciting. I'm new and I'm exciting. This should be fun...

Nighttime before 3 am? Holla!

Will I ever get any sleep?

I like my life. It's hard and I struggle a lot, wish to cry a lot and laugh even more. I love my besties. We had our version of the sister circle/slumber party a day ago and it was evidence of al the reasons why I need them in my life. They are truthful and caring. Loyal and real. I couldn't find better best friends. I honestly believe that there is no other group of friends who have a relationship like ours. They are my rock.

As you know I've been feeling really great about 2009. I felt that I've come through the darkness that was 2008 and emerged into the light. But it always gets worse before it gets better. Some of my actions have been not only hurtful to myself but hurtful to the people I care about and love because I trust easily. It is the fifth day of a new year and already pain has entered my life.

It will not deter me from my goals. I'm okay with solitude. I have my best friends. I have those who know me and know that the relationship I have with them is pure. I'll do my best to salvage relationships and save people's feelings but its 2009.....ain't no time for that sad shit.

Let's see how this week goes. I have an internship orientation on Thursday. Wish me luck.