critical condition...

A friend and I have this joke about my body. He calls it critical condition. People have always made jokes about my body. My bestie used to say I should go back to the hospital and trade it in for a new one...and we all laugh.

It's been a constant reminder that I don't do enough for myself. That I don't "love myself like I should." So I put up a few post-its on my dresser here in NP to try and remind myself that I am the only one walking around inside my body. Why do I exert so much of its energy for other people and not for myself?

I mean, my back is breaking, my knee is out, my lungs cry when they breathe, my once hard-headed scalp is now sore and tender, my feet have died a million times over, I don't rest easy, yet if anyone calls I wake up and head to their saving, I shovel snow for reasons that aren't mine, I pollute myself with drugs and alcohol. And I'm not complaining, because I LIKE who I am... the issue never has been whether or not I love myself, the issue is now me trying to prove to everyone that I do actually love myself.

And believe me I do. I have the capacity to be so cocky. I mean my stank is so potent, I keep tryna tell yall lol smiley face. I'm just a really humble person. My life has made me that way. If you knew how unpretty it is then you would understand why I don't walk around boasting about my self love. It's IN me. And that is what I keep only FOR me. I love who I am in all of my flaws, mistakes, triumphs and successions. One of my mottos is 'be prepared for the consequences of your actions' and I believe that I uphold that motto. I enjoy my dysfunctional relationship(s) because at that point in my life it's what I want. I have always done what I want. Never what people tell me to do. And doing for others is what I want and enjoy to do.

I just don't get why people still misunderstand me after I've been so open, honest and forthcoming about who I am. Okay so I may give 100% of myself and get slapped in the face. That's on them my loves, it ain't on me. And yes, I love, admire, and respect all things spiritual and intangible. I know that in order to be sane we must respect our emotions so I allow my mental the right to experience those emotions whether positive or negative and then...I get over it. If you see me and think I'm unhappy, weigh our interactions. How many times are we laughing together and enjoying life versus me venting to you about any issue or problem I'm having? I'll wait...

So you see? I'm glad people care. At least that's how I'll interpret it. But understand and trust that when I say I love myself, I actually do. And when I say if you ever need me call me, then please do. And when I claim that I will give you the shirt off my back if I didn't have titties believe that I will.

I mean come on, people get judged so badly for being selfish, now people are getting judged for being self-less? Stop it.