throwbacks...and it went a lil something like this

HIM: hey

ME: hey

HIM: hows it going tosh

ME: fine

HIM: yeah me too
HIM: sup with stat messages?

ME: ?

HIM: lol i read them sometimes
HIM: and sometimes i wanna ask
HIM: but i dont
HIM: scared

ME: then I have no idea which ones ur talking about

HIM: ok ok
HIM: so one of these days ima jus hit u up

HIM: but how you been seriously?

HIM: like what you been up to

ME: fine bout to eat tho brb

HIM: ok i will be here
HIM: waiting

ME: back

HIM: :-)
HIM: good lunch?

ME: dinner

HIM: dinner

ME: yup

HIM: well thats cool i guess,

ME: it is 830

HIM: well i guess i speak to you some other time.

ME: ok

HIM: yeah i no
HIM: how do you feel about me?

ME: i don't kno

ME: its wierd. I feel wierd

ME: i don't know why

HIM: yeah
HIM: me too.

ME: i guess cuz I liked u but u cud never bring urself to trust me

HIM: yeah

ME: why do you still talk to me. how do you feel about me?

HIM: aww man, are you really gonna ask
HIM: ...

ME: yea

HIM: i still think you're one of the dopest chicks i ever met
HIM: if not, then the dopest

ME: why?

HIM: what? i always thought that

ME: but why?

HIM: wtf?
HIM: because you are.
HIM: like
HIM: you look at life at a cool perspective
HIM: much different from alotta chicks
HIM: and you had a cool persona

ME: lol ok

it was weird. as it always is.
but he still hits me up every now and again.
i appreciate it because i get lonely sometimes.
need my worth to be reiterated sometimes.
and he does that...........................................................................genuinely.
i hope.

in a place of solitude right now.

in a place of contemplation right now.

reflection.

and it feels good.
to know.
someone/he
cares.

I wish my honesty box was my person....

So I'm being pulled back into solidarity and reflection...contemplation...growth. I feel like divine order creates this space and time for us when we most need it. I recently updated my Fbook profile and I added the honesty box back to it...updated the question just to see what people would say. An anonymous female told me I was a beautiful and amazing person. An anonymous male said he wants, no he needs me to stop being so promiscuous. My life is worth more than that.....

so here i am. back to my solitude, growth, and reflection while Drake's "successful" plays into my ears. just got back to Np from watching my bestie and other friends perform at the 11th annual udubb finals at the world famous apollo. the 1 minute rounds really touched me. i didnt feel the energy like i used to. i think i closed my eyes to my light. funny because in order to see it i close my eyes....my inner eye is closed. im falling under. my purple used to be so bright. im losing grip on it.

and i know. i know hun that my life is worth more than my promiscuity...or what i keep putting forth. i've had to deal with the issue of promiscuity my entire life. my entire, entire life. from entertaining lesbian experiences at 5 to being molested for two years to having low self esteem about my body to finally feeling attractive and sexy to searching for love in the opposite and same sex....honey i have had to deal with promiscuity my entire life and ironically, ironically in the midst of promiscuity is where i actually feel most confident. most secure. most in charge. like people listen to me. people bend to my will. they do what i say. they "respect" me. crazy right?

im afraid to pull my sex back from people. what else would they want me for? after all these years im still grappling with what else i have to offer anyone. my intelligence? my wit? my character?

...........................................................................ha...........................................................................................

so i went to the most beautifully romantic restaurant i think i have ever been to aside from the one at riverbank state park and although i was surrounded by besties and fam i felt so alone. so very alone. i have been single for a year and 7 months.....i just wanna be, i just wanna be successful.....in every aspect of my life and i feel like its not coming. whew i am so close to the edge yall. yall have no idea how close to the edge i am. the knuckles on my toes are gripping the cliff so hard it hurts deep into my soul. the beads of my sweat fall from my brow deep into the abyss and i cant hear when they hit the ground. i dont know how far that fall is.and im scared.

another one of the songs i listen to as i drown.....

When the fighters are all around
All the lovers are underground
No one will save you anymore
So what's happening, what you rapping about?
it's aboy. Is it cars? Is it girls? Is it money?
The world?

Or is it something they can never believe?
Or is it something you can never achieve?
Is it
Beyond your means?
Is it
Inside your dreams?
Can it
Never come out cause it's scared to
Unprepared to
Too worried about the words of the people it's weird to
You don't want them to hear you
You just wish there was a door that would appear that you can go disappear through
Well I'm feeling your pain
I was feeling the same
But I said I'd never feel that again

in the words of weezy its like i know what i gotta say i just dont know how to say it....to you

My life is all i have...

I was never too good at these journal things. Whether they be written or internet I just can't seem to find the time to write chronologically. Aside from that hurdle, I just can't seem to write honestly. Although i am a tremendously open person (i think) i'm still very private. Very, very private. I still think I only have 2 best friends when in actuality I now have 6. And it hurts the other 4 when they hear that I don't think of them as best friends....I'm sorry....I do....it's just I was never too good at this being warm thing.

So Steve Harvey was on Tyra, or Oprah, one of them shows, I don't watch TV anymore, I just heard...and he was giving "advice" on relationships. He said women should 'act like a lady but think like a man'....and it confuses and hurts me because i think i 'act like a man and think like a lady'.....yea ponder on that for a minute. i also realized that i always have what i can never want....what does that mean? it means i always have the great guy: we get along great, we chill, we laugh, we're intimate, we talk intimate, we talk intellectually, the sex is the bomb!!! OR i have this chick and she's great: we talk, we laugh, we play, we chill, there's "flirtation" (at least i think) BUT i can NEVER want them. there is something out there preventing us from being together. in the guy case both his and my lives would fall apart, many people would be hurt, surprised, and even angry if we were to want each other. if we were to get each other. in the chick case things would just be too difficult. There'd be a conflict of interest so it's better to just not want her.

that sucks. that really sucks. for me. always. im used to it.

so i spend my fake relationships with all these people quickly. they usually end within months and i have to move on to someone new to have but not want because if i stick around too long with the ones i have, im going to eventually want them. and for ty...thats bad. i do wish i could scream fuck what everyone else thinks but i can't. because im a social butterfly (snicker) and i live for other people (well, that's true) sigh....fucking steve harvey..

what's going on in my life? okay, time to be honest. i'm poor. thats whats going on in my life. i have maybe 100 dollars in my bank account with expenses that come everyday....my mother isn't getting much income and the income that she does get goes to her mountain sized debt. i don't know what im going to do if i dont land this summer internship (higher force please work with me. i am helping myself, so help me) i just lost a scholarship due to a drop in my GPA and now the financial aid office is sending me bills that are unpaid. now im back to the question i had before...will i be able to stay in college? will i be able to afford my education. friends all around me are dropping out or "taking semesters off" THAT WILL NOT BE ME DAMMIT! i will be the first to graduate from a four year college! i will! i only have two more years left come on higher power work with me!! and with only 2 more years left right now (at least) i only have 2500 of debt! thats fricking gooooood!!!

i will not drop out. i will not.

in other news.....so i said i would pull back from joining orgs on campus right? and i join Shades Step team which is another expense and a big ass commitment...smh...why do i do this to myself? whyyyy??? my body hurts! my time is spent! and yesterday after i came from class to take a nap (lol here) i knocked out for four hours waking up right at the time of practice and having to run my ass to the gym....smh my sleep habits are all sorts of wrong im missing classes. i keep saying i need to get my life together....how? do i need to take some solitude again? like TOTALLY pull back from errbody? bringing my Fbook wall back and opening my arms has thrown me way off track. i guess i wasn't ready...sigh

i got class in an hour and i haven't read what i was supposed to read...i'll say i'll be back later but with my life...probably not. thanks to those who request blog updates. it's nice to know someone's reading.

It's been a long time...I shouldn'ta left you, left you...


SO! Whew, shootouts between aliens and bloods man lol im guessing a lot has happened since vally tines day, I mean it is a new month and all...but honestly I can't or don't remember. A convo with the bestie brought that point of my memory up. So much happens that when people ask "how are you" I just say fine. It isn't until you ask the right questions that you get the full gang related answer lol

So let me pause for awhile as I ask myself some questions...

I'm stressed, but when am I not? I need an assistant but when do I don't? Sure I've been getting high waaay to much but it's college....hmmm im really not asking myself the right questions lol

I guess my life has come to point where its slowing down. I knew this would be a consequence....all of my youunger years I've been living life fast, hard, and enjoyable. I've done everything I wanted to do and lived life with no regrets. When those regrest did come I just reminded myself that I live life with no regrets...

I got things to focus on now. God might be telling me to be easy, lay low and take care of what I gotta take care of because I surely have been procrastinating and I surely do have things that need to get done (hence why I need an assistant) ::sigh::

On to better things, OH! I finally asked myself the right question! Tomorrow! Reunion of the Mochas! And the Spec mommy! And maybe even the Spec daddy! And KOoLaidkidZ will be reunited! Oh yes! Tommorow Kappa Alpha Psi Fraternity, Inc and Omega Phi Chi Sorority, Inc are having their Pikkture Purrfect P2 party. (Okay so the first one ppl fought and security had a shootout but still) everyone's coming! I'm so excited. I haven't chilled with my besties in a minuto and yea...I miss them heffars. It'll be a weekend to forget lol. And Spec mommy Stephanie is coming! I haven't seen her since Step Correct, haven't really chilled since that weekend in East Bubblefuck that I'd like to forget but can only remember 1/4th of the night. Don't ask, don't ask... :)
And Spec daddy Wole? Oh gosh I can't even remember the last time I saw him, or we chilled, damn deadbeat daddies smh

I really miss my snumba, my boobie, my nelly welly, my Darnnel!!! He brought up the idea of snumba withdrawal and I am really going through it! I mean our relationship hasn't changed, I still cut his young light skinnededed ass through aim but there's nothing like cutting ass on someone and seeing their face to vividly record the memories....sigh...snumba my snumba he so sweet!

As for my New Paltz people. Yall know I only have two friends....like anywhere lol I still love my roomie to death, my sasha and oh yeah freddy's there too. Waiting for Spring Break to come. I'm really getting tired of New Paltz, and classes, and not going anywhere...off to Virgina? Maybe. Atlanta (where I really wanna go)? Maybe. All depends. The bestie brought up Flow-Rida. I haven't seen my brother since we were both in High School and Florida has beaches, sun, and maybe some pretty people to have one night stands with so Flow-Rida's not looking bad either.

Sitting here getting my hair done, getting a pedi and the eyebrows done tomorrow, pack of Blacks coming soon ahhhhh such is the life...

Ohvwa my friends! (So what I can't spell, neither can you! Ha!)

Purple Ipods and a room of Valentines....


ehhh valentine's day. coming to new paltz i've met "conscious" black men who tell me over and over again what the REAL meaning behind valentine's day. it enlightened me but it doesn't affect me because i don't celebrate valentine's day anyway lol im in a room with the music jonesing....a pair of valentine's (myself included hehehe) and friends....its nice to be surrounded by a variety of people that i bond with. they cool.....

kinda anxious about this program tomorrow. alot of the paperwork has been stressful and i can not wait until i get new sorors geesh.... it should be a good program though...hopefully...i dont wanna go to the party after but the peoples are tryna to persuade me. we'll see how it goes, im not really down with the rink tink tink if ya know what i mean...

soooo......im feeling more of my two spirit everyday. wanting to find me a nice young lady to settle down with. i always believed that bisexual people used that term as an excuse because they're afraid to accept that they're gay or straight lol....yea that was me.....i know one day i'll choose a road and travel it. im feeling it coming.

how could you not know? i say men ain't shit everyday all day~ lol

pause the ipod and cut the tv on....its thursday after 9.

p.s. happy birthday shaina. i hope the present you're giving yourself reaps you a bountiful harvest

A sedimentary rock....my second or third favorite....


Let's go way back way way back....and member that boy? The one who became the focal point of my blogs? The one who my bestie warned me not to write so much about? Well yea he helped prove my theory that men ain't shit. Now i don't mean this in a negative derogatory way because I do love men and I know that there are just as much women out there who ain't shit (myself included). What I mean when I say men ain't shit is that old timers joke ya know? When your grandad is sitting out on the porch in his rocker talking to his longtime home skillet and his home skillet says something like,

"Man if I was younger I'd tap these youngins out here but good...(hearty laugh)

and you grandad goes...

"Nigga, you ain't shit....(chuckle chuckle)"

That's what I mean. I learned a long time ago not to put men on a pedestal just because they claim to be my complementary spirit. At the end of the day men are just men, not a God, not my savior, not my happiness, not my be all end all...but just...a man. And the recent one hurt me. Not bad, I can get over it. It takes too much time and energy for me to put my emotions into someone so as much as he thinks he got of me, truthfully he got nothing. In my mind whatever we were experiencing with each other has ended and there is no reason for us to still be in communication, but he contacts me....for no reason other than to "get a rise out of me". That makes me angry...very angry. He used me as a rebound, a seat warmer until he and his ex decided to reconcile and he's using me...for what I don't know. I can be so mean, but I'm not that person. If he's reading this....take this as a declaration. We need not speak anymore.


Elsewhere in the vast corners of my life....I had a charming blast from the past. Sometimes I think about him when I scroll past his name in my phonebook or look at his picture on my wall or remember the good ol' days when I was 15/16. He called me yesterday. Clean shaven, deep voiced and army trained. Married with a walking, talking daughter and one on the way that should have been born by now according to the last time we spoke (which was a while ago). He's back from California to Texas enjoying the warm weather while I'm fighting to keep my fingers as I raise them to my lips for a Black & Mild. It's nice that he thought of me. Nice that he called and both of our numbers are still the same. He's the only Cappy I think I can ever tolerate enough to love and I miss him from time to time. Lord keep him safe in Iraq...

I've still been really enjoying the company of Me, Myself, and I. Whenever they come over we have a grand old time. This solitude ish is really nice. More on that later but my stomach is grumbling heavily..okay okay Sugar Smacks here I come....damn that's ghetto. The actual name is Honey Smacks but I been calling them Sugar Smacks for years...smh


TaTaFaNow

Light skin dudes are learning and B.A.N.'s are stepping their game up....

In my life of shootouts between aliens and bloods much has happened. My sunshine and I had a falling out of which could have remained that way but for my need of closure and sense of conclusion, he's back. We both have an understanding of what went wrong with the miscommunication and have resolved (again) to be friends and take it slow. The way things should go. I know myself. I know that if I want a substantial long term relationship time needs to be a crucial factor in order for my mate to realize, understand, and mesh my personality with his. It's all about compromise but I refuse to continue to compromise who I am for men who won't do the same. I'll tell you a secret though, I'm glad he's back...shhhh :)

There's another guy. A B.A.N. He doesn't really merit a paragraph, not event the short one I'm going to give him but he's intertwined his way into my dealings and everyday thoughts in a way that gives himself way too much credit. He had nerve to chop 'n' screw my bestie and think he has the upper hand on me....

Who do you think you are?

Mr. Big Stuff?

You're never gonna get my loooove!

End of story cause I could go in...no I mean really though I be going in! lol

Them B.A.N.'s....stepping their game UP! (or at least trying to in the above mentioned B.A.N.) For those of you who don't know what a B.A.N. is please reference David Banner.

There was to be a spontaneous yet planned trip to West Bubble this weekend but when B.A.N.'s step too far out of the little circle they must get shut down. All in all I should have an interesting weekend...I hope...we'll see...I am back in school after all...

As for the light skin dudes out there.....where have you been taking classes and who's been teaching you? I need to have a word with them! How dare you do the only thing your good for and then try to put in that extra lil' something something? *snicker* Oh I would go in but this here Blogger thing is so public. I will not be the first person to have her Blogger censored!

Until Monday! Brooklyn has me for now!

"Promise me this...don't tell nobody...I can't get in that car man, I stink..."

I don't like the way I live my life. The bestie pointed out that my blogs have begun to be about a boy...that boy. And tonight's blog could've been about him too. I invited him to share in an experience with me and he forgot. He didn't attend. It was still an experience in itself.

Real Poetry is the monthly open mic that I've been attending since age 15. It's hosted by Christopher Slaughter and attended by famous and famous by word of mouth underground poets, people, and more of the like. "Tonight was special" Slaughter said.

After a great show, most of which I missed, and an interesting boule session afterwards, a young man approached Slaughter on the side. He spoke of his crack addicted mother who was presently shooting up. He spoke of how hungry he was, he hadn't eaten in two days. He spoke of how much he stunk...he couldn't get in a car full of women. He spoke of how all he wanted was to reach his grandmother uptown. And Slaughter in all his glory anfd generosity just wanted to help him. He did. Placed him in a cab with 10 dollars in his pocket, a new phone number in his hand, and hope in his heart. Damn this thing called life.

And now with a question from Slaughter directed towards my walk, I'm in the back seat of his car wondering if I'm going through Round 2 of something I never wanted to happen unplanned again.

And it's not that I'm careless..or unthoughtful. I'm calm because it happened before. I should know the signs, I think I would know the signs.....

I must exert my will power. I don't have any...and I'm tired of going back on my word to myself. No longer...

There's a routine...and it's only been 2 weeks.

I get bored easily. Call it a stipulation of being an only child, but I was never able to keep my thoughts or attention on one thing for too long. I've always been sporadic and spontaneous living life randomly so routines were never it for me. I could only handle the routine of school because it was neccessary....only the routine of chores because mama was the big dog of the house. The only things I could control not having a routine in were my relationships.

And oh the joy! Oh the excitement in switching 'em up every two months. In randomly having adventures, making jokes about them, and kicking 'em to the curb. i have yet to find a man who could keep me on my toes. Who is one step ahead of me and keeps the relationship exciting.

And already it has been just around two weeks and i have a routine. It just fell into place. I don't like it, I don't. I'm slightly claustrophobic...routines especially in relationships make me feel trapped and boxed in, hence why I always have to find an escape and get out of it...run away...chop 'em off...buk! buk! (insider :) )

SIGH... luckily this one is different. He realizes there's a routine and we both don't like it. It has got to change. Idealists are not to conform to the norm.....we're only realists when we wanna be...

"I've been falling in love with you since the first day we met..."

I slept with sunshine in my bed last night. He was warm, he was cuddly, and he watched me peacefully as I slumbered with him in my dreams. He wrapped his rays around my waist, and his aura shined through the darkness...

I believe in gender roles to a certain extent. In the idea that in a relationship women should act as women and men should act as men. I know that sounds a little 1920ish but in no way do I mean there needs to be an inferior/superior complex. Those words are negative. I believe in a submissive/dominant complex. In finding the two-spirit in all of us and knowing when as a woman we should be dominant or submissive and when as a man we should be dominant or submissive.

I want a MAN in my life. That's hard for me to explain. I mean a MAN in the sense that he is strong and caring. Someone who has a Plan A and strives for it undoubtedly and if he does not reach that Plan A he has his Plan B. I want a MAN in that he thinks about his woman and knows her moods. When she isn't herself but is putting on a front, when she just needs to be rubbed, when she's sending out the signal for sex...I want to feel secure underneath my MAN's arm close to his heart and encased by his rib.

There's a man in my life now. I'm enjoying getting to know him and discovering things about him. I know that there is so much I can give to him, so many ways in which I can support him but after a convo with the bestie I'm wondering if there is a life he can integrate me into. What does he enjoy doing? Who are his friends? What can he teach me? A friendship should be reciprocative. So should a relationship. The beauty about life is that there is so much time to explore these things.

He's new and he's exciting. I'm new and I'm exciting. This should be fun...

Nighttime before 3 am? Holla!

Will I ever get any sleep?

I like my life. It's hard and I struggle a lot, wish to cry a lot and laugh even more. I love my besties. We had our version of the sister circle/slumber party a day ago and it was evidence of al the reasons why I need them in my life. They are truthful and caring. Loyal and real. I couldn't find better best friends. I honestly believe that there is no other group of friends who have a relationship like ours. They are my rock.

As you know I've been feeling really great about 2009. I felt that I've come through the darkness that was 2008 and emerged into the light. But it always gets worse before it gets better. Some of my actions have been not only hurtful to myself but hurtful to the people I care about and love because I trust easily. It is the fifth day of a new year and already pain has entered my life.

It will not deter me from my goals. I'm okay with solitude. I have my best friends. I have those who know me and know that the relationship I have with them is pure. I'll do my best to salvage relationships and save people's feelings but its 2009.....ain't no time for that sad shit.

Let's see how this week goes. I have an internship orientation on Thursday. Wish me luck.

It's very difficult living in this world wearing my heart on my sleeve. Whenever the wind blows and tickles my arm just right my heart becomes vulnerable. I fall into a less strong state and I don't know how to deal with the emotions that come from being tickled just right.

And I cannot deny it. It's soon but I like him. I like him. I like him, I do. I don't believe it's too soon. It never is with the way I live my life. So passionate, so strong, so forward. I can handle strong. I've been searching the sidewalks for someone who can handle my strong too...have I found him?

I feel very peaceful this New Year coming in. Very happy. Today is the last day of 2008. The last day 2008 wil ever be a year and it has been quite an eventful and struggling year. Yet even with all that I have been through, today, this last day, I feel so good. So excited for what the New Year can bring and for what I want it to bring...and yes....I want it to bring him a little closer to me.

I'm happy. So far he seems right. Seem being the operative word. I've been single for 1 year and 3 months. I've gotten okay with being single. I got over the yearning, needing, desiring for a boyfriend and I'm at peace. What better time for Mother Nature to fill her lungs and blow a little something, something in my direction?

Happy New Year everyone. I find myself smiling just because I'm happy more and more these days. I wish the same for you...

*'09 will be the business!!*

It's always when you aren't looking...

So the past few blogs have been about flashbacks right? Well this flashback is a lykkle different.

In high school I was definitely in my own world. I had my group of TWO friends (now my loveable besties) and my gang of associates I had my own breed of love for. That was pretty much it. So no, I don't remember him. I never really knew or acknowledged that he existed until he graduated and came back to do the whole "alum doing great things and yada yada college" speech. Boy was he cute :)

So I received his AIM and hit him up. We would speak periodically, flirt even more, and we had a few things in common. Very few, we didn't really know each other like that. We weren't friends we were both just Alum from Robe. And I never expected two years later to chill with him, to laugh with him, to infiltrate (apprently my new word) him into my bestie's life, to eat with him at our diner.....to like him.

I was with him last night and we had a conversation. I knew at the beginning of that conversation that it was one I should divert, run from , send out an S.O.S. And quick! But I didn't. I obliged him and got to know him a little deeper, he became more real to me. And smack dab there's a POT (potential lover) in my life when I wasn't even looking. Had finally really become content with being sinlge, with waiting for whomever, with just chilling, even being celibate here and there.

He's a friend. And that's all im going to tell myself...for now. I call him |b0y|frienn. Emphasis on the friend, separate the boy, he's not mine, I'm not his...he's just a |boy|friend.....

Somebody call me an angel...on speed dial

Merry Christmas! I don't think it was any accident that Christmas is so close to the end of the year....it's a time when we feel reflective and contemplative on where we are in our lives and where we stand with the people in them. I had a dream a night or two ago that I passed away. Didn't think anything about it because sometimes I get those questions in my head but yesterday...yesterday was scary.

I'm a Brooklyn girl with a mama who raised me to be a good girl. I do what mama says (for the most part), get good grades in school, act responsibly, a good girl. And sometimes good girls get bitten by the bad bug. Good girls live double lives walking the tightrope between good and evil. It's just a question of which side will pull us under.

And yesterday was a good night. It started off relaxing, sipping on eggnog and rum accompanied by two blacks, a crazy story from Riv and a follow up convo with the bestie. The night then led me to call Ayiti and be entertained by his antics. I'm never let down when his number is dialed...and then came the flashback. Granted we met almost 10 years ago and had spoken on and off within the last 5 he's still a flashback...another one. One who lives the same dichotomist lifestyle of good vs. Evil. And he's hella good....so I know he's just as bad. That enticing, flirtacious, innuendo filled conversation led me to contact my cousin and his best friend. They came over and I knew angels were on standby.

My cousins best friend at 24 years of age is still someone I harbor a secret crush for. Growing up as the young annoying "sibling" I could only watch "Pstreet" from afar...but now...im still young but im older now. And all of the things I couldn't express before, my dealings with other men have taught me express now.

The night rolled on sharing smokes and coronas with my cousin and Pstreet and the coronas ran out....I accompanied Pstreet to the store. Led him to the store I always go to even though he had plans of traveling elsewhere. He's a hood gentleman: whatever the pretty lady wants.

Walking side by side with my fantasy trying not to blush too hard, trying to come up with wittier and punnier lines than he, we slip slided across slippery sidewalks in brooklyn. I was feeling nice all over...and then to break the monotony, or rather keep the monotony of the brooklyn style, a quick succession of events happened.

An accident at the intersection of Pacific and Howard.
A random third party arriving at the scene screaming at other bystanders to pop off and get it popping.

Pstreet takes my hand, says in a voice so deep, so serious, so manly, a voice I wish would have spoken other words but these, "let's go"....we book it.

I've lived in Brooklyn all my life. In the heart of Crip territory, raised around Bloods, and never, never have I been as close to danger, as close to death by stray bullet as I was last night. Yet even when I am a little bit near, there is always an angel by my side. Always a man, a hood boy knowledgable to the streets there to protect me, there to guide back to the other side of the tightrope whispering "stay a good girl ma, this ain't the life for you". And in no way am I calling Pstreet an angel, he's just my angel. There to bring me close to the edge but safely pull me away. How many times can one escape close calls? I don't know....but with finally being old enough to flirt with my crush, and having him there by my side to watch out for....I have my angel on speed dial...

*too shaken up to reflect more on the situation*

Flashbacks be really making me feel like I still got it...no really though...

He wasn't the best choice for me. One I had gotten constant warning about, and everyone had a comment. From the adult staff down to my very closest friends, no one wanted me with Buggzy...yet I gave him a chance. And he hurt me as deep as a 15 year old could get hurt. It's been four years and he's back. Like a blink of the eye, a dream filled sleep, I woke up and he called me. As if four years never passed he called me boo and baby. Says he's my number 1 fan....he, he "loves" me. And I'm supposed to just spread my arms and legs wide enough for him to squeeze back into my life? I don't know where this will go. My number's still the same and no I won't change it and no I can't just ignore his calls. Coming home always makes me nervous....


I wrote a poem about him. I thought he was so different....I thought that maybe after getting my heart broken, torn into pieces, that a rebound shot from a chick who can't play basketball would be nothing but net...and he was nothing but regret. He hit me up on aim. And I had that flash of shock that only sidekicks could give you when the screen name pops up in the corner of your screen: Ducky. We didn't neccessarily end on bad terms but it surely wasn't good. I definitely don't have fond memories nor did I ever envision myself entertaining conversations with him....goodness gracious do I really still got it like that?


And Danger. Oh the warning signs are up all around me highlighted and magnified yet I'm still entertaining conversation with Danger. Three of four years have passed what am I doing with this man? Why are we still speaking? I will never be with him...I will never like him...I don't love him, love? Oh please don't even speak that word to me...but I indulge in his phone calls and visits.

I'm not too afraid to be alone...I'm just too afraid to be lonely.

So I'm home...don't it feel good?

I love my mother so much. In all of her glory she and my uncle drove all the way to New Paltz even though a snowstorm was coming just to retrieve me...I knew I'd have to drive home, and I didn't mind...until I got on the road that is.

Driving is not cool. Driving in a snowstorm while making sure other drivers are up on their job, even un-cooler but we made it safe and sound to the beautiful ugliness of Brooklyn...Believe The Hype! As Marty says...

And I thought I'd come home, enjoy a night of poetry and reunion, eat some good ol' Golden Crust and chillax with the homies...but I didn't and I'm not. Instead I'm enjoying the solitude. Took a quick napster, made love with Whitley, jumped in the shower, and now laying on my couch with the soft lamp on, toes just a freezing, body still ashy from the shower, I have rekindled my passion for reading. I forgot words were beautiful to me and stories were romantic. I'm shaking my head at home but home is where my heart is and my friends are and passion lives. It's not often that I divulge in the beauty of solitude and growing up has allowed my mother the opportunity to treat me as a woman. She leaves me alone but has not left me and I apreciate that. Our coexistence in this house together. She at one end, I at the other. Both in our solitude but...together. And I with book perched on my knee as I'm blogging this....I kinda like this feeling. The 'just got home and I missed it but I know soon imma be shaking my damn head' feeling. I like it, I missed it, and I missed you.

Now, back to random texts from Southern Fruit and the journeys of Tyler, Shelby, Debra and Leonard in Friends & Lovers by Eric Jerome Dickey......

Finally, 2008 is ending.

Spring, summer, and fall have been very trying for me this year. I've lost my passion for writing, found it again, and am getting to know it all over. It hurts to have to constantly relearn who you are, but that's the beauty in growth isn't it?

I look forward to 2009. Spoke with the bestie and realized odd numbers do me justice...i always was a bit odd.

Finals are over and I am leaving SUNY New Paltz behind.....for at least two months...I'll be back back in the new year with a new outlook and hopefully new stories to begin.

Until then, happy holidays, happy new year...and stay tuned.

Reflection, although meant to be purely self-enlightening, I always tend to do it after a session of RealPoetry with real people, and silence. Which because I am a highly spontaneous and emotional person causes me to make sudden and drastic changes in my life...yes they are changes that need and needed to be made, but they are chanegs that are so drastic and so detrimental to my psychological development that they cannot happen as quickly as I am trying to make them...understand?

Queen Godis - such a beautiful inspirational human. Aja-Monet, likewise, and this being Women's History Month, the features for this past RealPoetry were all women. And trust me when I say they are all head-strong independent, stank, divas...i wanna be just like them. And there is nothing wrong with that. Yea everybody wants to be somebody except themselves but in this case, ain't nothing wrong with wanting to be a head-strong, independent, stank, diva...and im halfway there yall.

My phone was set to vibrate, my clothes, merely pajamas, remote in hand, food in other, it was a lazy weekend. Not to much bothering from people I don't really care about. My phone didn't scream at me too much, and when it did, I ignored the call...lazy weekends are beautiful. I reverted back to the good ol' days. The days of sleeping in extremely late, popping in dvd's and chilling. Hair a mess, haven't showered, no lingerie...straight chilling. In silence. Momma in and out the crib, Whitley sleeping on some part of my body...in silence. Book in hand (Friends&Lovers by Eric Jerome Dickey) bedside lamp on, in silence...chilling...and thinking...in silence.

bad combination.

I thought about Him and my feelings for Him, which wasn't hard to do seeing that He had been on my mind all week-end...

May your conscience live in your throat she said.

Oh, how i wish it were that easy. I wish things easily spoken could be easily carried out but often is not the case. Often when you try to be honorable and true you are standing alone. When you acknowledge wrong ways of handling things, you stand alone. I have tried to walk as if Jesus truly lived in my soul. I have tried to speak with him on my tongue and walk as though there were only one set of footprints, and it was me who carried him.

I didn't want things to get like this. I had originally spoken up of my discomfort to someone I trusted in privacy, in trust, in total understanding that this was something that I could just get off my chest to he and only he, but he felt that he needed to tell others who were "close" to him. Others who "needed" to know. Why they "needed" to know I have no idea. Why they are now "close" to him I have no clue, to my understanding, they didn't have that close of a connection to the family but ...

I identify with rape victims, molestation victims, incest victims, sexual harrassment victims. I understand why we tell no one that it happened, not even ourself. It is our way of survival. Do not speak of it and it won't be true. Do not speak of it and the backlash won't come to you. As much as people try to tell the victim that they will be safe, away from harm, scrutiny, and any type of ill feelings, the victim is never safe. The victim always feels regret, guilt, sorrow. Sure the victim had every right and a moral responsibilty to tell, but the occurrences thereafter always leave the victim by the wayside, alone to wallow in the emotions of his/her actions alone.

So I apologized. This shit is on my conscience. I felt that in order for me to sleep better at night there were some things I had to say. A point that I had to get across. With every action comes a reaction I understand that, and I have always tried to be prepared for the consequences of my actions, but these consequences are too much for me to bear. I couldn't bear it! I couldn't stand by and watch someone get ostracized for yes a reprimandable action but not one that is uncommon!! Especially to me!! I have handled this before, am handling it now, and will handle it in the future, and for all the good my speaking out has done I wish I would've kept my mouth closed!

May your conscience live in your throat she said. May I always speak on what is right. May I always clear my tablet of sins and walk anew each day. Even if each day I must walk alone. It is so bad? Is it so bad to pull back from society and live in your own company? Who can I trust anymore? Can I even trust myself? My emotions? Was my interpretation of certain actions correct? Now I question myself. I do not take back what I said for that was true and it was what I felt. All I regret is to whom I said it. That is my deepest regret. It has always taken a lot for me to trust. And especially a hell of a lot for me to trust an older male. An even more amount is taken for me to trust an older male father figure ... and my personality is very stubborn. Yes, I have lost trust. Yes, I realize that once again I have been naive and I do not like it. I do not like this feeling and i feel the best way to protect myself from these feelings is just to not trust in the first place.

It amazes me how full one can get of writing, or rather, how empty.
I came across a quote the other day. It said "there's nothing to writing. all you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein". I immediately thought, "how true," and used that quote to identify myself.
I've wanted to write, want to write, but i pain myself with thoughts of writing something "good", something "worth reading" that i brainstorm for minutes and then defeatedly give up. It is now that I decide that whatever I have to say needs to be said, and whatever I have to write needs to be read.
This blogger thing here, I really don't know what the masses use it for, why it was invented. A whole service provider for writing. Just webspace specifically for writing ... so i guess I'll make it personal, as I do everything ... and write about me.

t.y