I gotta get that old stank back...

I remember how I used to smell. It was a strong scent, whipping everyone's heads. I used to step into a room and set the stage on fire, (I admire weezy) but my aroma has become docile. It has sunk into my skin so deeply that it can't permeate the surface anymore and my nostrils are left wondering if their hairs were ever tickled by my succulent wind...

I've been feeling like I've lost all of me for quite some time now, but what I've really lost was my confidence. I loved being 'cocky' and 'stank'. I was my number one rider, provider, and supplier. Recently, I've become too compliant with myself and too reliant on others' shoulders. I've always complained that I never had someone like me for me, but, I do....me.

realization one

Main Entry:	polyamorous
Part of Speech:	adj
Definition:	pertaining to participation in multiple and simultaneous loving or sexual relationships

That's how dictionary.com defines who I believe I am. I can't handle the internet. I can't handle dictionary.com or poetry.com. I am a lover of books, words, and all things spoken or written. Being exposed to the internet has influenced me because I'm so very gullible when it comes to oral and literary influences. Awhile back I learned what the word masochist meant and identified myself as such. This past weekend I was exposed to the word polyamorous and defined myself as such.

I don't like labels, I really don't, but I do like knowledge and learning. Humans come up with these arbitrary words to try and understand and define each other, but they mean nothing. What really holds weight, is my interpretation of these concepts, these ideas....and I think I like my interpretation of polyamory (a word? well, i got my poetic license.)

realization two

I want to believe that I am in a relationship right now. I want to believe that I have security, and reciprocal love. That I have a union and no reason to feel insecure. I want to believe that. We have grasped exclusivity and each claim to be carrying it out, but, we are hidden. I am a lion. I am a wolf in lion's clothing and neither animal is unrighteously humble. We need to bare our teeth, to gloat our mane. I can't be hidden.

realization three

It brings back up this idea of polyamory that I've always had. After giving up my foolish and outside influenced goals of marriage and long term exclusivity, I accepted and even fantasized about the fact that I would be single for the rest of my life. It became okay for me. And I wouldn't be single because woe is me, or there aren't good wo/men out there, or shit just never goes right for me...no, I envisioned being single lifelong because it would be a personal choice.

I've just always felt that I had too much love to go around. I can identify (slightly) with polygamists. Not polySEXuals, but polyAMORists. And I think we all know what amor translates into: love. I can genuinely be in love with more than one person at the same time. It's different types of love of course, but my previous relationship models have shown me that I am always intimately, spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically intertwined with more than one person at a time. In my eyes it's beautiful. In my world it works.

I'd like to say that all of those fantasies were rubbish immature daydreams of a young girl who wanted everything and just couldn't narrow her heart down. I'd like to say that it seems I am going to be in a loving, committed relationship for quite some time that may lead to children and a union of some kind (okay, okay, marriage), but I can't say that.

This state that I am once again in now is soluble. It can change in an instant. I've accepted that. Once again, I've accepted that I may have not fallen in love this time. That it just may be another one of those freakishly intense, highly passionate, crazily romantic, yet drastically heartbreaking months-long interactions that my heart loves to experience. And it's okay. Because I've been doubting my heart. Doubting its strength, perseverance, and history...

"bitch, you know what I been through? I can handle a little pain."
"i know, but I been right there with you and I just don't want you to break."
"hearts were meant to break, wouldn't be no good music, none of ya good poetry if we wasn't, now go on and let me love. you...just enjoy the ride..."